“Morons! I’m surrounded by morons.”

Oh Carface. You said it best, brother.

“I don’t have anything on me” is the most frequently used sentence in our office; even more than, “Thank you for calling Dr. X’s office.” My favorite response to them is, “Oh man! You’re gutsy for driving without a driver’s license!”

Look on their face? Priceless.

We all know if you leave your house, you’re going to spend money. (Even staying home costs money, thanks a lot Etsy-you money grubbing whore.) So why would you leave without your wallet?  What if you ran out of gas? Would you tell Chevron, “I’m sorry, I don’t have anything on me…?” No.

Sorry Wal-Mart, I don’t have anything on me today, can you send me a bill?

Oops. Silly me, Ford Dealership, I forgot my purse, can you just send me something in the mail?

No. That would NEVER happen. It’s ridiculous. Why is our office any different than any other establishment? Well that’s simple. We’re suckers. That’s why.

Payment plans, otherwise known as-Can I get 10 grand of work done and pay you a dollar a week for it? Thanks so much. I HATE payment plans. They are of the devil. I can’t tell you how many times I have been had on a bloomin’ payment plan. “I will bring in some cash tomorrow, promise.” Please don’t lie to me. Just tell me you don’t have any money and that you aren’t going to pay me. Monopoly money does not count. Neither do your checks that bounce. Really? Card denied for $15.00? How do you live? Moron.

My personal favorite is when I answer the phone, work out a payment plan with a patient, and then they come into get their work done. They do not know that I answer the phones and assist in the back.  So when they start to cry that they didn’t know that $350 was due today, I just love to say, “Do you remember talking to me on the phone? You called to ask about your co pay and I told you $350?” The look on their face is worth more than I can express.  Moron.

 Another gem is when I have had an in depth conversation with them and I can repeat what they told me. Their husband just left them and they work 3 jobs to support their 7 kids. This is obviously all a lie because we have all of your family’s information in the computer in front of my face.  What a dramatic moron.

Sometimes the moron is the person you work with. To me, that is worse. I would rather have a patient that is a moron than someone you have to see 4 days a week. Even harder thing to deal with is that this person is most likely a friend that you love, but you just have to put up with the idiotic things they ask and say.

One of my favorite instances was around Christmas time, a lot of online purchasing nowadays.  To most of us it’s a simple process; to others it can be a bit tricky to find your credit card number on your credit card. Yes, your credit card number…on your credit card. It’s a complex little card that is difficult to decipher.  

Filling out payment information can be difficult to some; you have to put in a credit card number, a security number and even a correct postal code if you would like it to end up at your house. In case you didn’t know, a postal code is also your zip code. No need to worry or make up a fake number, just ask someone to help you. Not me though. I will make a blog about your stupidity. Moron.

Since we’re talking about mail, I feel inclined to share the worst moronic moment I have been blessed to hear. Every month we send out statements. These statements go into envelopes in which you need to put on a stamp and give to a mailman. Stamp placement is a tough one. Where does one put this sticky little square?  Under the return address?  On the back of the envelope? What about on your face and mail yourself to Guam you moron. 19 year old responds with, it’s not my fault! I’ve never mailed anything before!

………………………………..……….*sigh*

First of all: SHAME on your parents. SHAME.  Second of all, have you SEEN mail before? It doesn’t change. It’s in the same spot every single time. Wake up. Moron.

We’re faced with challenges every single day. To some it’s how they are going to feed their family, to another its which one is the copier and which one is the printer.  Hang in there. Take it one day at time. Moron.

Stay tuned, and remember to floss.