“Morons! I’m surrounded by morons.”

Oh Carface. You said it best, brother.

“I don’t have anything on me” is the most frequently used sentence in our office; even more than, “Thank you for calling Dr. X’s office.” My favorite response to them is, “Oh man! You’re gutsy for driving without a driver’s license!”

Look on their face? Priceless.

We all know if you leave your house, you’re going to spend money. (Even staying home costs money, thanks a lot Etsy-you money grubbing whore.) So why would you leave without your wallet?  What if you ran out of gas? Would you tell Chevron, “I’m sorry, I don’t have anything on me…?” No.

Sorry Wal-Mart, I don’t have anything on me today, can you send me a bill?

Oops. Silly me, Ford Dealership, I forgot my purse, can you just send me something in the mail?

No. That would NEVER happen. It’s ridiculous. Why is our office any different than any other establishment? Well that’s simple. We’re suckers. That’s why.

Payment plans, otherwise known as-Can I get 10 grand of work done and pay you a dollar a week for it? Thanks so much. I HATE payment plans. They are of the devil. I can’t tell you how many times I have been had on a bloomin’ payment plan. “I will bring in some cash tomorrow, promise.” Please don’t lie to me. Just tell me you don’t have any money and that you aren’t going to pay me. Monopoly money does not count. Neither do your checks that bounce. Really? Card denied for $15.00? How do you live? Moron.

My personal favorite is when I answer the phone, work out a payment plan with a patient, and then they come into get their work done. They do not know that I answer the phones and assist in the back.  So when they start to cry that they didn’t know that $350 was due today, I just love to say, “Do you remember talking to me on the phone? You called to ask about your co pay and I told you $350?” The look on their face is worth more than I can express.  Moron.

 Another gem is when I have had an in depth conversation with them and I can repeat what they told me. Their husband just left them and they work 3 jobs to support their 7 kids. This is obviously all a lie because we have all of your family’s information in the computer in front of my face.  What a dramatic moron.

Sometimes the moron is the person you work with. To me, that is worse. I would rather have a patient that is a moron than someone you have to see 4 days a week. Even harder thing to deal with is that this person is most likely a friend that you love, but you just have to put up with the idiotic things they ask and say.

One of my favorite instances was around Christmas time, a lot of online purchasing nowadays.  To most of us it’s a simple process; to others it can be a bit tricky to find your credit card number on your credit card. Yes, your credit card number…on your credit card. It’s a complex little card that is difficult to decipher.  

Filling out payment information can be difficult to some; you have to put in a credit card number, a security number and even a correct postal code if you would like it to end up at your house. In case you didn’t know, a postal code is also your zip code. No need to worry or make up a fake number, just ask someone to help you. Not me though. I will make a blog about your stupidity. Moron.

Since we’re talking about mail, I feel inclined to share the worst moronic moment I have been blessed to hear. Every month we send out statements. These statements go into envelopes in which you need to put on a stamp and give to a mailman. Stamp placement is a tough one. Where does one put this sticky little square?  Under the return address?  On the back of the envelope? What about on your face and mail yourself to Guam you moron. 19 year old responds with, it’s not my fault! I’ve never mailed anything before!

………………………………..……….*sigh*

First of all: SHAME on your parents. SHAME.  Second of all, have you SEEN mail before? It doesn’t change. It’s in the same spot every single time. Wake up. Moron.

We’re faced with challenges every single day. To some it’s how they are going to feed their family, to another its which one is the copier and which one is the printer.  Hang in there. Take it one day at time. Moron.

Stay tuned, and remember to floss.

The Almighty Dollar

Lets face it. We all love money; we want more of it. We don't want to spend it on things such as car notes, doctor bills, power bills or anything else that is necessary. We want to spend it on new clothes, trips, going out to eat or a new car every 3 years.

But reality check: I need to wake up and smell the bills. We all have them, and they have to be paid. I am just annoyed with money as the next person, but in life, we have money and it disappears. If you're smart, you wouldn't piss off the people that handle your money, or your bills.

We have a patient that isn't very smart. I've taken pictures of actual bills that have been returned to us. This is not a joke, its hilarious, but not a joke. She actually sent this to us.

This first picture is her statement that we sent. She has come in for many procedures and is on a payment plan. We do not typically do payment plans because people don't always follow them. Payment is due at the time of service.

This lady had a balance of $1,500. Shes on a $50 a month payment plan, so that gives her over a year to pay that off. But, she continues to come in and have more and more work done. So her paying $50 is basically pointless on the full scale of things.

At the top, you can see that she has given her credit card number for us to run. All pertinent information is given...but wait. Whats that? A Security Code with letters? K-M-A? How does that work? Ahhh. Its a hidden message that she thinks no one will understand. But alas, she didn't know I was on the Doc's staff.

K-M-A. Any takers? Ahhh yes. Kiss. My. Ass. How quaint.

Down below it says, "See you Thurs" Is that a threat? Normally

I would say no, but after the writing rape I just received I'm just not sure what to think.

Follow me down to the joyful message of payment.

It says, " Insurance should pay 12-11 and 12-23 so why are you charging finance charges how did it go from $200 owed to $499 WRONG!!"

Well. If you were smart, you would realize that you are being charged fina

nce charges for your previous balance not paid on. We know insurance covers some, but not all. And as long as you're not paying, we will charge you. So......RIGHT!!

My Favorite part is the bottom. It says, "You desk people and doctors need to

communicate better. NEVER mind its all about the money."

Yes. It IS all about the money. Thats the problem, you aren't paying! Thats why you're having so many problems with us! DURP.

So then at our next billing month we get another note. Its much sweeter and even in a pretty blue!

"I haven't called the insurance company. Would you call them to see if we can bill these last treatments to next years insurance and how much I am allowed each year, when the year starts and ends. I will never be able to come to the dentist again, otherwise or will you call me and leave the number. Thanks."

So. Let me break this letter down into segments. First, we have "I haven't called the insurance company. Would you call them..." Maybe because you already know the answer to this letter. It isn't going to happen, lady. You want to yell at us and then have us do you a favor? Nice.

"....bill these last treatments to next years insurance......" Oh? You mean insurance fraud? Surely! The doctor doesn't need a license, they're overrated.

"I will never be able to come to the dentist again." Yeah, that's what were going for.

And no, we will not call you and leave the number to YOUR insurance company. Not that there is over a million possibilities that it could be.

Moral of the story? Yeah, there isn't one. Advice? Just don't be an ass to people. Please.

Stay tuned and remember to floss.

New Patient Appointment

Today is my first appointment. Filling out my new blog paperwork. I know most people hate it, but I LOVE filling out paperwork. It makes me feel important. You have to have my address, phone number, name and emergency information; and if I don't give it to you, you don't get money. I dig it.

This blog is semi anonymous. Names, dates, location and personal information is not being revealed. (Don't worry Mr. HIPPA) The best part is, none of that is needed for any of the stories I will share. They are hilarious without personal information. I laugh every day at work, and I cant hog this gold in any longer. If I help make someones day, my day is that much better.

The hard part will be trying to type what the spoken word makes funny. Bare with me, I'll do my best.

The first story that comes to mind is of course a new patient. She brought her son in who had a toothache. Our paperwork looks something like this:

Name: ____________________________

Prefer to be called: _________________

Wk#:________________
Hm#:________________

Address: ______________________

Etc., Etc., Etc.,

(This is where you start to bare with me...)

She came up to me and said she had some questions. Sure! Glad to help.

"What's Wrk?" (She said it how its abbreviated. Wuuuk.)

I stared at her for a second trying to figure out what she was asking.

Again she asks, "Whats wuuuk?" with a puzzled look on her face.

It clicks. "Ohhh!! It stands for work number. That's where you put a work number we can reach you at."

She says, "Oh, ok. Thanks." And starts to walk away.

Stops.

Turns around.

"I'm sorry, I have another question. Whats Hmmmm?"

Trying not to laugh in her face I have to explain that Hm# means home number.

She finishes the paper work, hands it to me and walks to the back to see her son. I start to put the information into the computer and immediately have to stop. My eyes go right to the section where we ask what you prefer to be called. Most people get it. Robert likes to be called Rob. Elizabeth prefers Liz.

This woman would prefer her son to be called: White.

Did I read that correctly? Oh yes. Yes I did. At the end of her appointment I ask what she meant, and she tells me she thought we were asking if we meant "where you write Hispanic or Black or something."

Ah. Of course it does.

I love my job. I love helping people. I love assisting the doctor to get patients out of pain, and being the person that patients like because I don't give shots!

But we aren't always treated kindly. Some people don't understand that we're not the one to blame because you don't brush your teeth. You have to brush. You have to floss. You have to come in every 6 months for maintenance. Not my fault when you have poor hygiene; but eventually it becomes my problem.

A lot of people don't realize that I answer the phones, work on insurance claims and assist in the back. So when their story doesn't match what I know really happened, it feels good to call them out on it. Don't be a jerk to the people who get you out of pain...or you will be experiencing it a lot longer than necessary. Dummy.

Because I am in so many different places in the office, I have many stories to tell and many more to come.

Tune in, and remember to floss.